Romantic chemistry is not a matter of "love" or "no love." Romantic chemistry comes in DEGREES. Sometimes your romantic feeling for another person may be 70%, sometimes 95%, sometimes 40%. The same is true of another's romantic feeling for you. The degree of romantic chemistry has a lot to do with what happens in the relationship.
For instance, if your romantic chemistry for a particular person is 83% (borderline between good and very good), then you may have feelings of uncertainty and confusion. On the one hand this is an important relationship and you want to keep it, but on the other hand you have vague feelings that there might be something better. You wonder whether to settle for this relationship or hold out for another.
Understanding the dynamics of relationships with varying degrees of romantic chemistry is a critical step in finding good love.
The story of Tom and Mary, condensed from my book "Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know the Odds)," illustrates the importance of measuring chemistry before marriage and also illustrates what happens when there is a chemistry imbalance.
Mary was intelligent, outgoing, beautiful. Tom knew her from the time they were kids; their families knew each other, they never dated anyone else. Mary and Tom dated for seven years before they got married. Tom was a young and promising corporate executive. Mary didn’t really care for the corporate society scene, but there were other things more important in a relationship.
Tom was the adventurous type. One day he said, “Let’s go skinny dipping after dark at the beach. It would be fun!” To which Mary replied, “You’ve got to be kidding! That’s disgusting! What if we got caught?” I should say Tom is both adventurous and romantic. He says, “Honey, we’ve had such a nice day together, and this fire in the fireplace is so cozy, let’s do it right here. I want you right now.” “Tom, don’t be silly. The fire is beautiful, but it wouldn’t be at all comfortable on the floor. We should go up to the bedroom.”
Tom, of course, does not give up easily. “Let’s go for a bicycle ride this afternoon.” “But we don’t have bicycles!” “I know. I’ve found a place that rents bikes.” “Oh, that’s such a hassle. And it’s a waste of money to rent them.”
Tom wanted to see the world and do things. He wanted to experience life. He wanted to do things together. But they never did much.
Mary wasn’t motivated to do the things Tom wanted to do. She didn’t feel the same chemistry for Tom as he felt for her. She fantasized about going out with other men. So she left. The marriage lasted three years but ended in divorce.
Tom was very much in love with Mary. Mary, although she tried hard to make the relationship work, was only marginally in love with Tom. His feelings for her were very high (about 90%), but her feelings for him were only medium (perhaps 60%). They got married because it was the natural and expected thing to do. They didn’t measure their chemistry using Dr. Bessell’s Romantic Attraction Questionnaire (see Appendix 2 in "Love Is Not A Game") before marriage. There was chemistry but it was not in balance. Mary couldn’t get what she really wanted (a deep feeling of connection) because she did not feel enough chemistry, and this made it relatively easy for her to leave.
To complicate things, neither of them was very emotionally mature (maybe 40%). This was a very typical relationship. Lacking any real understanding of love, they jumped at the popular fantasy of “let’s play house together” and got married. It was doomed from the start by the large difference in chemistry, but they were not mature enough to understand this beforehand.
One can use percentages, as I have done above, to describe the degree of romantic chemistry and the degree of emotional maturity. The relationship between Tom and Mary can thus be described as a “90%-60%-40%-40%” relationship. However, using percentages is cumbersome and not very visual or fun. In the book "Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know the Odds)" I have invented the concept of “Love Dice” to depict various relationship types. Red dice show romantic chemistry on a scale of one to six, and white dice show emotional maturity on a scale of one to six. The Love Dice make it very easy to describe the four key factors that determine the fate of any relationship (his and her romantic chemistry, his and her emotional maturity).
The key is to make an assessment of true romantic chemistry and emotional maturity before getting married. Doing this in advance will assure that you have an exciting and successful relationship.
Copyright 2005, Randy Hurlburt
On the edge of a breakup? Want more love (and better sex)? Three simple steps to turn your relationship around (or find a new one)!
Randy Hurlburt is an internationally acclaimed relationship coach who shows singles, and couples on the brink, how to find and create exciting and successful relationships. He is the author of "Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know The Odds)," an award-winning book about how to find and keep good love. The book includes tools to measure romantic chemistry and emotional maturity, and how to apply the results to your relationship situation.
Website: http://PartnersinLoveandCrime.com
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